he thought i was a dude.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
