Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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