Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm getting married
To pizza
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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