very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
