Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
