why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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