so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
