Soap is not a condiment
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
