so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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