Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
