John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
