there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
