The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
We need to rekindle our bromance
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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