3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
