you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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