smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
