am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
