saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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