Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
