Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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