Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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