so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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