Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
