Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Randomize
