Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
