I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
