I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She has the best kind of daddy issues
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
