Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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