I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
50% drunk capacity currently
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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