Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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