i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
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It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
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Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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