Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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