Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
