I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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