my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
