I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
