I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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