So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
