I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
