just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
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This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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