really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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