I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
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Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...