tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.