I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Sext me about skeletons
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?