i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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