Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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