Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
