Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
