Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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