I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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