I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
