Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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