I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
