shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize
