I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
