Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
