I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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