Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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