Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
