you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
