The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My dick has a subreddit
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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