Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
