so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
