I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?