That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
