I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
