I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
